Get It Out

You might not want to read this rambling, I just needed a place to let my thoughts go so I can start to make some sense of where I am, why, and what I need to to.  I've been struggling so much the past few weeks and I think a lot of it has to do with trying to make things work that are just not meant for me.  You can't just work harder at the wrong thing to make it right.  The things that get to me the most are worrying about my life passing so quickly without really figuring out "what's the point".  It's crazy but I keep going back to something the fortune teller said to me in New Orleans a few years ago, she said that I keep trying to move past my history but there is something that keeps sucking me back.  She said that if I didn't break out I would forever be stuck there.  It feels like that is true with this job I am doing, same stuff, same boss, same issues and it didn't work out in the end the first time.  It's dejavu all over again for me and I don't think I should stick it out this time, I think it is time to move on and find those things in my life that will bring joy and happiness.  I can tell you that working everyday at this thankless task, burning my guts out trying to figure out a way to make it work and feeling like I am carrying other peoples burden of a job and their long term happiness on my back is not noble or not even right.

It hit me tonight when I saw how successful Natalie has become with her business.  I am so happy for her but it makes me wonder why I settle when I am every bit as capable of becoming successful at those things that I keep locked in my brain for "some day".  I want to get my schooling finished so I can appraise gems or somehow work in that field, I think a lot about having a small business where I cater or bake or something like that, nothing fancy, just a little shop.  I think I can do it, but I'll never know if I don't stop trying to be an unhappy student loan person.

So I will sleep on it tonight, but I will also set some goals, make some plans and find an exit strategy so I can start working on my destiny.  It's going to be hard, this is everything I know, I am walking away from money and travel and maybe even people I've known for a long time, but I've got to move towards happiness and passion and health and fun it just feels so right at this moment.  I can't go through another day, week, month or year hating the days and avoiding the "ick" of doing what I do, it is evident to me that I don't care about what I do, I don't wake up excited to take on the challenge, I don't trust the people we partner with, and short of the 3-4 people who work for me, I could really give a rip.

If you did read this, I will need your help and support, I will need you to remind me to move forward and not slip back.  I need a friend and coach who can help me make some good decisions, see how to get where I need to be and help me find my new path.  I feel relieved that I am finally making a decision.  It is true that when you try to go the wrong way you feel confusion, and for the first time in a long while, I am feeling a sense of relief and a flood of anxiety leaving my body.  I feel like I can sleep and I feel like I want to get up in the morning and start executing a new plan.

Life is good....