Intrepidation

I appreciate all you had to say in the last post, but honestly I am worried.  My job is so shaky right now and even if it weren't I don't know how long I can hang in there with it, I don't really enjoy the politics of it and now it is feeling like if I don't figure something out, I will be stuck doing it forever.  I worry about stuff like insurance and of course Bruce only worries about himself.  When I brought that up with him he simply said that he will be going on Medicare...well what about me?  COBRA was costing me $500 a month - $500 a MONTH! And he says he can get by on his Social Security, which is great but that leaves most if not all of the expenses to me, guess its time to start selling everything off....not that selling a lot of our stuff wouldn't be a blessing in a lot of ways, but it will all come down to me doing it.  Case in point, I went out to do chores this morning in the freezing temps only to find that the water tank was empty....really? He was home all day yesterday, I had to go grocery shopping and take care of dogs and the house and come back and cook him dinner and do the laundry, CRIPES!  I know you know what I am saying, I am just singing to the choir.

I try to get him to talk but he can't pull himself away from the TV long enough to have a decent conversation and to be frank about it, he just wants to quit and do nothing, he says he is so stressed that he wants to just decompress for awhile and not worry about having to do something.  I understand part of it, he has worked a long time and I'm not begrudging him that, he will be 65 this year so I certainly understand the urge to retire, but I just don't see that it has anything to do with 'us" just him.  Just once in my married life I would like to feel like someone wants to look out for me and take care of me, but that is just not going to happen.

Even Hannah is perplexed!

I don't think I can handle him here laying on the bed watching old westerns and Andy Griffith everyday.  He was off the week between Christmas and New Years and it drives me crazy.  I get distracted, he thinks I'm not working so I should be able to go do things with him, and it really wrecks my routine, I think about renting some office space, but that isn't fair because I like to be here where I can keep and eye on everything and get my personal stuff done during the day.  I also worry that with his sedentary penchant that he will get sick or have a heart attack or worse, which I don't want to think about either.  I guess the one bright side might be that if he is here I can maybe split time and come to Hurricane more, not sure about that but it's worth a try, my guess is he will spend more time over there, so maybe you can come here.  I just can't do my job from Hurricane with the travel, it is too hard to get to Las Vegas for flights all the time.  YIKES! I have a lot to think about and work through.  Thanks for letting me use the blog as a sounding board, I feel like a crazy woman right now.