Close Call

I knew you were in a hurry when I saw your post on my blog instead of "our" blog!  I hurried and moved it as I know you don't want everyone reading and knowing what is going on.  So just in case any one says anything to you.

I think it is incredibly brave and smart to do what you did.  You are very blessed that Len read and understood it with his heart and agreed to work with you to fix everything.  I wrote a long letter to Bruce a couple of years ago, pages in fact.  I never gave him the letter, but it helped me have a long conversation with him and since I had written out my feelings and what was really bothering me, I was much better at explaining it to him and having him understand where I was coming from.  I know with these things you have to keep revisiting them, you can't just do it once and expect everything to change and be okay.  I guess that's where I fall short because I hate to keep saying the same things and dragging up the same stuff.  I will take to heart what you told me though and work harder to make my life and my life with Bruce better and happier.  I think the anticipation of the unknown is the worst part for me, so I should at least draw up a plan A and a plan B.

After I read your note I went in and just sat an thought, I know I need to get past the rut I am laying in.  It seems like the same pieces of the puzzle are always there and they don't quite fit together, our home here, our home in Hurricane, flying, the animals, traveling, friends, family, what to do with myself.  Maybe it's time to dump the box of pieces and get some different pieces or something.  I feel like I made the right decision marrying Bruce all those years ago, but the differences that attracted us to each other are the hurdles we have to jump now.  My life sometimes is a study in contradictions that I am never sure how to reconcile.  Case in point, I desperately want to see the world, but I have so many things in my life that tie me down and make it hard to go, my job, the animals, and the big one-I don't want to go alone, but I don't like to travel with Bruce (not that he would want to go anyway) and I don't have someone who can drop what they're doing and afford to go with me.  For all the good things that have come from being married, orbiting separately in the same space does not fit well as we are both independent of the other.  I'm not sure how to fix that.

I think a little bit of time, like maybe a few months are going to be defining for us, we'll either need to figure out how to live together and be happy or....So I keep praying for the best and trying to really convince myself, that I can leave my job this summer and be OK stepping into a whole new world.  I think that needs to be my goal.